Visit me in North Carolina!

I have received an overwhelming number of email queries from the more tasteless among you regarding what time of year I would recommend a weekend trip to Durham, North Carolina, to tour the key sites involved in the infamous Duke University lacrosse team legal fiasco. As a City of Medicine native, would I recommend photographing the lacrosse team’s shabby gray house against the vast blue of a Southern June afternoon or the flame-colored explosion of autumn leaves? Since the relevant courtroom is open to tourists only when court isn’t in session, when do I anticipate low caseloads at Durham’s city courthouse? Do I recommend a trip just after the high school lacrosse season ends, as this is when lacrosse sticks, perfect props for a photograph, might be the least expensive at Play-It-Again Sports? Do I know when the team of preservationists and cultural historians plans to open to the public a replication of Mike Nifong’s office at the time he first heard of the allegations over the phone?

I apologize for my inability to respond personally to your queries; you will have to settle for a thoughtful, albeit untailored, response. The answer is now! Why? Because I will be in Durham to give you a special tour infused with the knowledge and perspective of a local who was not even living in North Carolina during the events and their fallout! Free of charge! I’ll even throw in a special Local Haunts Tour with trips to the Bojangles where all the cool kids buy sweet tea on the way to Riverside High School; the Target that now sits on the former site of South Square Mall, where I sometimes hung out and acted sullen; and, weather permitting, the statue of a seated James B. Duke, who allegedly stands every time a virgin walks by (we’ll walk by together and then argue about who ruined the experiment!). Lodging and lunch are included.

["What the hell is going on?" you ask. "This isn't The Llama Blog unless you're in Islamabad! What am I reading? Help!" Ah, gentle reader, do not despair! I will be back in Islamabad soon enough. But for the next two weeks or so I am in North Carolina to see a doctor at Duke. If you were somehow planning on coming this way, I'd love to see you!

I am on the plane as I write this, and I am surrounded – surrounded! – by rich, over-indulged, loud, demanding, squirming children between the ages of 5 and 12. It’s all worth it, though, because every time a male flight attendant makes eye contact with me and asks me what I want to drink in an effortless, unaffected manner, I spend several exhilarating minutes reveling in what’s it’s like not to be treated like some stupid, incabable, best-ignored sub-human thing.]